did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
