Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
so much tequila, so little girl.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
