I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
