The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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