This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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