hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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