Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
