My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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