Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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