there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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