A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
