I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
