my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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