stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize