I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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