i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
