I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
