what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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