There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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