This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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