How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
This show inspires me to have sex in space
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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