she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
