I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
