i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
