If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
