nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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