Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
