it wasn't lemon gatorade
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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