if i can run in heels then i can drive
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
