Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
