thus making me awesome and them whores
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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