peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize