Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
