I think my fart just growled at me.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
