Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
