I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
