I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
