singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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