This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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