Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
