He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
