I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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