Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
