I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
