Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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