; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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