dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
