She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
