I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
