Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize