Sponge bath it is.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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