Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i think im in europe. pls send help
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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