i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
