there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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