There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
