Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
