well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
