remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
