So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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