I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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