can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
